I have a suspicion that many of my readers secretly (or not so secretly) wonder if I’m hot. You know, with all my writing about being sexually assaulted and harassed and whatever, is it just that I’m so fucking sexy men can’t control themselves around me?
Go ahead, squint at my avatar. See what you can glean from 300 square pixels about my conventional attractiveness. I’m not going to give you a bigger photo.
I’m not the most objective source on the matter, but I’m pretty sure I’m what we used to call “MIT hot.” In other words, I’m a fairly average looking woman, but because I exist primarily in male dominated environments (I work in a field that used to be 95% male) the men around me treat me as if I’m hot. Being the only woman in the room also means you’re the hottest woman in the room.
That said, larger society has harsh judgements on the physical attractiveness of women. I just read this article by a woman whose wedding announcement went viral because her teeth were so bad that the trollz kept spreading her photo in order to mock it.
For the curious, this is the save the date in question:
Ok, so, if you look at this woman and think “wow, what a snaggletoothed bitch” you’re going to think I look like something that crawled out the anus of hell. Like, seriously — I don’t know in what world this woman isn’t gorgeous.
I’m a 6 who acts like a 10. And, all you men’s rights activists can blow an eye vein misogynying me into oblivion for that statement, but I know you’d still fuck me. And, if you’re nice, you might actually get the chance to so stop acting like tools and grow the fuck up.
But, what’s fun about being hot in some contexts and not in others is that I know what it’s like to be a hot chick. Everyone always wonders! And I know! Women who are always hot don’t know, because they have nothing to compare it to. Women who have too many sexy female friends might never find out what it’s like to be the center of attention. But, as the hottest (aka only) women in lots of engineering environments, I know.
And this is what I figured out: pretty girls don’t get fucked so good.
Here’s the thing, true lust is strange. It doesn’t follow socially defined patterns, and straight guys are the worst about accepting their odd attractions. Unconventionally attractive women usually realize this on some level; men are willing to fuck them and will totally bring it in bed, but may not be willing to date them. Dues will play it off like “oh, men will fuck anything” but that is a bullshit lie that allows men to deny accountability for their attractions. It reminds me of this Savage Love article about this man who was married to a skinny woman he wasn’t attracted to while being super turned on by fat women he was unwilling to date; this man was completely unwilling to own that he was into fat chicks, and ruined his life over it. Go read that article and be depressed about the world.
Conventionally attractive women have the opposite problem; men are willing to date them for social status, but may not actually be very turned on by them. I’m sure the skinny woman that fat admirer was married to wasn’t getting the D on the regs, if you know what I mean. I remember freaking out to one of my bros about it once, and being all like “the fact that men get social status for dating me is the least sexy thing ever.”
“Oh my god, you’re right!” he said, “that is the least sexy thing ever!”
I remember being really jealous of one of my boyfriend’s exes. She wasn’t even really an ex, she was some girl he fooled around with but was super turned on by. But, she wasn’t really “the type of girl” he was willing to date. What did he mean by that, I asked?
As far as I gathered, she had some arbitrary unattractive feature that caused him to veto her as a partner even though she hella turned him on. I, on the other hand, was lacking said objectionable feature, but no amount of enthusiasm in the bedroom could erase the fact that he just wasn’t that into me.
Few things have improved my sex life like cutting my hair and stopping shaving. Before, when I was “hotter” men fucking me would be confused like “why am I not more turned on by this woman?” But now, I feel more like people are confused in the “why am I so turned on?” sense. I remember the first time I stopped shaving, the guy I was sleeping with said if I went too long, he wouldn’t have sex with me any more.
I laughed, and said “fine, I’ll find someone else to fuck.” I think he lasted, like, two weeks before he started fucking me again. Not the healthiest choice I ever made — I probably should have found someone more secure — but live and learn. Still, later I asked him “Is the sex worse now that I’m not shaving?” and he admitted that no, it was not. Did he really think it would be?
Much of this has embedded itself in my erotic psyche in a strange way. I was hanging out with one of my girls last night, and was telling her the strange direction my erotic imagination had taken. “I’ve started reading a lot of south park fan-fic, between Kyle and Cartman, but like, I always imagine it from Cartman’s point of view. I always imagine I’m some like, terrible gross person that some hot dude hates themselves for fucking, but still can’t stop dong it.”
“Oh Emma, you are always a delight,” she responded.
I have strange friends.
But anyway. If you’re a woman who wants some good sex with a man, you might want to consider not being too hot. Break the system, stop believing the lie, and get hella laid.