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Why I Think I Should Marry a Rich Man

Obstacles to overcome: my personality and physical appearance

So, being raised all like, feministy and shit I was always taught I was supposed to be independent. Make my own money! Have my own career! But, having my own career is super depressing. On top of the fact that I won’t earn as much as my male peers, will not be promoted as much as my male peers, will not be taken as seriously as my male peers, and will generally be found to be more grating than my male peers, careers also happen to be brainwashing tools of the capitalist patriarchy.

  1. I will have to perform unpaid emotional labor for my emotionally stunted husband. So, this is actually mis-phrased. I’m expected to perform unpaid emotional labor for my emotionally stunted male colleagues all the time, while also having to generate the same amount of programming output that they do. If I were married to a rich man, I’d be officially “unpaid” for the emotional labor I’d give to my husband, but functionally, the hourly rate for my emotional labor would trump the wage of the fanciest therapist. It would just all be laundered through the marriage.
  2. I will ultimately get dumped for a younger version of myself. This definitely falls into the category “feature, not bug.” Assuming I sign no pre-nup (or, one that says we’ll like, split our assets accrued while I raise the children) I will ideally end up with enough money to die on. I’m not a greedy woman. I don’t need to be “rich” — I just need to not work. So, when my husband has his mid life crisis and gets a new “hot piece of ass”, I’ll “later in life lezzie” it up and we can amicably part ways. I’ll even high five him out the door. He may not find middle aged women hot, but I sure as hell do.
  3. I will be perpetuating the patriarchy. Women devoting the bulk of their work energy to benefit corporations controlled by white men perpetuates the patriarchy LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. The #1 thing women need is space and time to think about the things that are important to them. Space and time for their own projects. Hell, if I’m extra charming and I have some like, well educated liberal rich guy I may even be able to convince him to contribute money towards my insane feminist causes. If not, well, at least I’ll have my time and labor.

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